.:what now:.

well where do i start....?
i don't even know where to begin but i'm gonna have to go WAY back...
about 7 years ago....i first laid eyes on the man that i would eventually fall head over hills in love with....and its not a normal type of thing....either that or its just not normal to me....
which in turn could be both good and bad....well last year we had our first real run in with each other...and he seemed like the type of guy who just wants to play games, but with one glare into his beautiful eyes its just so different....lookin in his eyes is like seeing this great person...and not just great but PERFECT....so of course i fell in love with him, and since then all i can do is fall harder and harder....
i don't even think that its possiable for me to move on and he knows that but it just kills me not being with him....i just wanna freeze time when i'm with him....i wanna be locked into his arms forever and then i could be me.....i could be the me that i am every single day....but thats not even it....i honestly feel like i won't have nothing unless i have him....and its not about just havin him....
i wanna be the woman i know i can be but i can't be that woman without him....and he makes me the person i am....i LOVE to write and i can never write unless i'm with him or around him so to speak....he makes me feel safe, wanted, beautiful, sexy, smart and so on.....i don't even know where to go from here....i want for him to see me for what i see him and he does i just know it...but its like hes scared to give me that chance and thats all i want is just a chance....and people agree with me....we think that the reason he won't or hasn't given me that chance is because he thinks it WOULD work out and that scares him....but i could be wrong....
i'm honest and i think thats my downfall....i just want this time to be different but i think i messed that up already....all i can do is hope and PRAY that i'm worng....but i just have a feeling that i've skrewed up BIG time.... every time he speaks his words just stick in my head and i can't get em out of my head....he said he worrys about me and he cares about me, shouldn't that mean something....? hes an honest person too so what could i do to make it all better....?
he has to be apart of my life somehow....he either has to be in my present life or part of my past....thats the only way i can deal with it....i wanna be in love with him and happy or heartbroken and in pain....but either way i NEED it.....
i need it so i can move on.....so to speak....if you've ever heard the song teardrops on my guitar thats part of my life with him but i don't know if i can make it through this again....cuz it breaks my heart to just not be with him or in his life....all i can do is put myself through hell waiting and hell even ain't the right way to put it....i can't eat and i can barley sleep....i need something.....
i NEED him....

Greatness

Right now I’m sitting here at 3 in the morning….I haven’t been to sleep yet and I usually don’t write/type unless something is bothering me or I have a lot on my mind……well I have a lot on my mind and no one to tell…….I’m listening to over my head by the fray…..great song if you haven’t heard it I highly recommend it…….sometimes I really hate me….there have been times where I’d give anything to be anywhere other than here or to be anybody other than myself…..well I’ve been told a lot here lately that I am a sweet person…..which I’d agree that I am unless I don’t wanna be……I have so many problems of my own and I open myself up to make other peoples problems my own just so they will feel better…..why would someone do that???? Maybe the fact that I’m used to feeling sad, used, unhappy, unwanted, not loved, and so on that it doesn’t bother me…..I’m lost and I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t have anybody to pick me up when I fall…..I’m free falling…….WILL I EVER LAND????? Why is it when everything comes tumbling down it never stops…..I hate to see other people feel like I do…..and the sad thing is if you were to see me everyday you’d barley be able to tell that anything is bothering me….somehow I manage to smile every single day…..yeah I’m way over my head……I’m so bad off I don’t’ know which way is up or anything…..I don’t know that much but I know that I don’t wanna be the stupid girl anymore and I don‘t wanna miss out on what could have been, ya know….when is it time to stop waiting for those could have beens…..I wanna be great……I don’t’ think that’s too much to ask for…..and I know I can be great….I was born to be great………………..at something

written on the 8th

What is it about life that gets you down? Well currently there are a few things that seem to be getting me down….for starters there is this guy who loves me and iono its just a weird type of thing….I used to care a lot about him but some bad things happened and iono hes really not my type to tell ya tha truth or so Iat least that’s what I think….but long story save it for another time….and the second thing that bothers me is the fact that I am a 22 year old single mother and I don’t have my child cuz its her daddys weekend and it is Saturday night and this whole weekend has officially sucked….I’ve managed to yet again sit at home all weekend cleaning and doin nothing on my free weekend when I should be out there livin it up but the whole weekend wasn’t a total waste but I’m not gonna go there I’m gonna complain about the fact that I suck….lol but what really tops the cake is I was really wanting to go to this wedding….a few weeks ago I bought this outfit that I was gonna wear to it well today I went and finished the outfit…..I spent $100.00 on shoes and accessories for this outfit…..I came back home and my crappy air conditioner was froze up so that killed that and plus I didn’t really want to show up by myself although I’m used to showing up by myself…but if you ask me when it comes to weddings you CAN’T show up by yourself….I mean come on everybody probably already knows your single and if you show up by yourself they will figure it out and seriously weddings is a couples type thing, unless you’re a bridesmaid, groomsman, or family member or a guy….but its different for girls especially if your friends of the groom….if nothing else you should at least show up with a friend….ya know that old saying always a bridesmaid never a bride??? I am that and to be quite honest with you I don’t have a problem with it…..I will probably never get married but that’s cool with me and I have my reasons….I’m not saying anything bad about it I’m just saying I have issues….I am like every other girl in the world….I can see myself in a beautiful wedding dress and all that crap so I guess I do wanna get married someday if I ever meet “the one“…..but if I were to ever get married I don’t ever want to get a divorce……I know that there isn’t anything wrong with that and I don’t have a problem with it…..but I just don’t want to make that mistake, so to speak…..I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life and I’ve fucked up A LOT and that’s one thing that I don’t want to fuck up…..I know that nobodys perfect and everybody fucks up but you don’t get it….I’m really GOOD at fuckin up and I try so hard not to….I want my wedding and my marriage to be like a fairy tale and I’m gonna try my hardest to make it that way…..and anything’s possible, right??? anyways…..don’t ya just love it when people ramble….lol….I guess you get the point….my life is miserable….I guess any man that reads this will say that’s your typical woman…..well I’m not typical….I’m so much more than that…..

i wrote this on the 7th....

Ok its Friday night and i'm home ALONE!!!! this is horrible....my little girl is gone with her daddy and here i am all by myself with nowhere to go and nothing to do....life sucks.....anyways....do you ever actually think about what goes on inside a guys mind?? well usually we all know they are think about sex, or checkin out our boobs....lol....ok thats not really funny...but if you think about it do they ever think of anything else??? I know they do but what are they really thinkin??? when it comes down to relationships and stuff like that what do they think....i don't think that its a big deal....well it really bothers me....ya know you think you have a person figured out then you just sit back and its all .......BLANK......there is nothing there, what you thought you knew was just all wrong then you wake up to the reality that they aren't as great as you thought they were, they are actually shallow....when the whole time you were mesmerized at the thought that you have finally found someone as deep as yourself.....iono....i'm just being confusing....but while i'm being that way why is it that they give you those lines of bullshit and actin like they give a damn....just to get you in bed...when all they really have to do is be HONEST with you....well not just that but thats the basics....Have men forgotten what honesty is? Anyways i was just rambling, which has nothing to do with me being home alone on a Friday night.....Forgive me please.....

Stupid Girl

Okay there is this guy that i have liked for the past 6 years....hes been divorced for over a year and hes been with another stupid woman so hes been ruined but hes single now.....and hes not ready for a relationship....BUT its okay to hang out and have sex.....i know i'm stupid for actually going along with it but the way i see it is....if i continue to do that then when he is ready for a relationship he'll take me into consideration....which makes me look even more stupid because i know he won't but at least a girl can hope, right?

Upset...

I just don't understand.....what is it about me that people hate? and what do i do to make people want to hurt me? I'm an all around nice person...i get along with everybody....and i stay out of everybodys business....so what is the deal??? And another thing....i got a job and the boss is a TOTAL BITCH shes old and stupid and has fake boobs.....which look stupid on her.....anyways she hates me...and all the other people there say its because shes jealous of the attention i get because my boobs are bigger then hers and they didn't cost me a dime cuz they r real.....i think its so stupid cuz this woman is in her mid 60s......anyways...thats not why i'm upset and i don't want to go into that right now....cuz its alot of drama......and its so stupid.....i'll go into all of that crap later........